2012 Season Wrap Up

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Welp, we’re still here. The world is spinning. I know, you all thought that the world was over because there has been no newsletter for a few weeks. To be honest, I didn’t write one because I didn’t want to jinx myself. Now that I have my first championship out of the way, I’ll feel better about not jinxing myself. Gotta get over that hump, if you know what I mean.

Robot Funny

Did everyone have a good Christmas? I did. You know why? Because I AM THE FUCKING CHAMPION OF ALL OF YOU! It was ugly, but bah god I did it. After getting runner up in different Super Bowls 2 years in a row, I finally hit pay dirt. You know what? It feels good. The only conundrum now is figuring out what to do with all the money. I could go to New Orleans. I could buy a new guitar. I could pay bills (LOL NO). I could hire a midget stripper for a few hours to entertain my friends and I. I could do a ton of stuff. But right now, I feel like dancing.

Cruz Salsa

I know that feel, bro.

I know that feel, bro.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say. Um… Here’s a bunch of funny and sexy .gifs to help you deal.

Burciaga Shoot

CPU Beatup

Daily Showoff

Hair Tie

Hammer Fall

See you next season, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists, League Champion

Week 13 Wrap Up, Playoff Power Ranks, and League Polls

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I usually try to get the newsletter out of the way on Tuesday or Wednesday, but this one’s a biggie so please bear with me. As your new Commish (or League Chairman, which I prefer because it sounds like Vince McMahon), the polls I mentioned are in this newsletter. Please vote if you plan on joining the league next year.

Christmas is upon us now. Did you do all your shopping yet? Of course you fucking didn’t. You’re a man. All shopping is relegated to the internet or Christmas Eve at Wal-Mart, because we just don’t give a flying shit. Christmas is ridiculous when you think about it. Firstly, no one knows when Jeebus was actually born, so we’re basing the biggest holiday of the year (other than MLK day, of course) on a total guess. Also, the whole holiday season (which now starts on July 5th) is based on our helpless consumerism. How is buying stuff a good way to celebrate anything? “Hey, it’s a religious holiday! NOW BUY ME A FUCKING PLAYSTATION!” How come I can’t ask for an XBOX on President’s Day or Earth Day? Thirdly, why are we required to buy gifts for people that we don’t really like in the first place? Couldn’t we just hire Hunter Hayes to shit in their stocking? Also, Christmas music. Why are we subjected to this every year in every public place? And how come there are no songs for the Jews? It’s their holiday too. Couldn’t we get Mariah Carey to sing “The Hanukah Song?” It’s only fair. I’m not a Grinch though. I like the Holiday Season. It’s just weird to me. If you found a fat, bearded guy on your roof on any other day of the year, he’d probably be labeled a thief or pervert. But it’s OK on Christmas? HOORAY CHRISTMAS!

My last doctor visit...

My last doctor visit…

Now, onto the playoffs. The usual suspects are there, along with some surprises. Duckhead and Gynos are the 1 & 2. Not surprising. Duckhead was able to ride his inflated totals from the beginning of the year and survive as the top seed. I went on a late season binge to go from bottom 3 to #2 in a matter of weeks and am peaking at the right time, largely thanks to Randall Cobb and Adrian Peterson. Burning was able to overcome WR injuries to stay at #3. Mudbugs, despite quietly scoring the most points in the league, managed to only come in at #4. Berserker came in limping at #5 and just lost his best player for the season in Harvin. 4th must have sold his soul to satan to get in at #6. A team with Darren McFadden, Ryan Mathews, Brandon Lloyd, Dwayne Bowe, and Jermichael Finley is in the playoffs folks. Better luck next year to the teams that didn’t make it. Try not to draft as many plugs. One final note, the reign of Smack is officially over. Didn’t even make it to the playoffs to defend his title. That’s like being WWE Champ and being the first one eliminated in a Championship battle royale before Wrestlemania season. By the way, if Gynos happens to go all the way, I’m taking some of the prize money and buying a Championship Belt.

Playoffs...

Playoffs…

Gyno’s Primo Playoff Power Rankings:

1. Gynos: 7-2 in the last 9 with two consecutive weeks as the high score. Tried to think of ways to not put myself #1 and I couldn’t do it. Bryce Brown and Kaepernick could be the difference maker between winning and losing. Hottest team going in.

2. Duckhead: 3-3 in the last 6 weeks, going 1-2 against playoff teams in that span. Has won 2 in a row though and has the #1 seed advantage. Lives and dies with RGIII.

3. Burning: 5-1 in the last 6 weeks, going 3-1 against playoff teams and finally getting healthy. Why is he not higher? Last 6 opponents averaged 115.31, which over an entire season would be last in avg. points per game.

4. Mudbugs: 3-3 in the last 6 weeks, 2-1 against playoff teams. Only reason why Mudbugs isn’t #3 is no Gronk and lack of RB depth. Losing DeSean Jackson actually helped your case.

5. Berserker: 3-3 in last 6, 1-2 against playoff teams. Losing Harvin was a major blow, on top of Bush sucking and losing Stewart. Not a good way to enter against a good team.

6. 4th: 3-3 in last 6, 1-3 to playoff teams. With McFadden, Mathews, Finley, Romo, Bowe, and Lloyd in your lineup weekly, I frankly have no idea how you made it in. Primetime would’ve been in if he hadn’t played me this week (or didn’t start Eli on a BYE!!!). Luck of the draw I guess.

Now, onto serious business. Here are some ideas I am proposing for next year. Please vote if you plan on staying in the league. For realz.

If anyone else has any proposals, please send them to me and I’ll include them in next week’s wrap up.

The Rundown:

Primetime – MVP: Megatron (36.1) LVP: Felix Jones (2.6) – Missed the news that DeMarco Murray was starting, which cost you the matchup and a playoff berth. You only have yourself to blame for missing the playoffs, sir. You had as good of a chance as anybody, if not better. What a waste.

Gynos – MVP: Bryce Brown (33.3) LVP: Blair Walsh (-.5) – Stupid fucking kickers, I swear to god. Got 29 from Peterson, 29.9 from D.T., and 33 from the Eagles new RB. Getting hot at the right time, and have a bye to relax and finally root for teams instead of players.

Duckhead – MVP: RGIII (18.7) LVP: Maclin (6.8) – Good days from everyone. I’ve never seen a team completely rely on one player before. Cut off the head of the Duck, and the body dies. Sorry, that was a little morbid. How about a fart joke?

Buster – MVP: TY (16) LVP: Ivory (.4) – Well, you finished with a winning record somehow. That’s always nice. Makes me cherish the Power Rankings system.

4th – MVP: Romo (28.5) LVP: Mathews (8.1) – Another week, another low scoring opponent. Yay. Send Primetime a thank you card for tanking his season.

Shiva – MVP: Good Dez (27.8) LVP: Brees (3.6) – Drew was straight up awful last thursday. Good luck in the other playoffs.

Scrappy – MVP: Cam (32.4) LVP: Decker (3.7) – Just as Cam starts to heat up, your season’s over. Damn the torpedoes…

Hunters – MVP: Welker (28.3) LVP: Vermin Davis (3.5) – How many times has Vermin been your LVP? Thanks for taking that whole Spiller/Jackson thing off my hands. Couldn’t have done it without you.

Your season, in a nutshell...

Your season, in a nutshell…

Berserker – MVP: Cecil (20.7) LVP: Roddy (3) – What a way to enter the playoffs. Ice cold and losing Harvin for the year. And don’t think that Cecil Shorts is an adequate replacement. He’s not.

Mudbugs – MVP: Marshall (26.5) LVP: Keller (3.7) – Losing Gronk really made you vulnerable. Losing DeSean made you better. I still don’t trust Boldin and Rice to come through when it counts though.

Smack – MVP: A-Hern (17.7) LVP: Fitz (3.3) – Man, If Fitz suddenly went on a rampage in the locker room, would anybody blame him at this point? Biggest waste of talent EVER! Smack, ending his Championship reign with a whimper.

Burning – MVP: Garcon (24.6) LVP: Graham (9.9) – Redskins record when Garcon plays? 5-1. Record when he’s out? 1-5. Duckhead dependent on RGIII, RGIII dependent on Garcon. Also lucky with that Jordy Nelson injury. Things are trending up for Burning.

How I felt about my team this week:

Fire Kick

If you haven’t seen this yet, it’s a video of a comedian finding Coke in a heckler’s coat.

See you next week, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists

Because Boobs

Week 12 Wrap Up

Ok, let’s get the big news out of the way first. Smack is relinquishing his commissioner’s duties beginning next season and I, your humble and wise author, will be assuming the position. Don’t ask me why I was asked. I have no idea either. If you feel that you want to do it, then by all means go ahead. If no one objects, next week I’ll be including polls in the newsletter that lets all of you vote on some potential rule changes. Please vote on them. I don’t want to hear anyone bitch about a change that did or didn’t happen, only to find out that you didn’t vote. Unlike the presidential election, your vote actually matters here. However, if you don’t plan on being in the league next year, please refrain from voting. As far as governing goes, I’m more of a “non-interventionist” than Smack is, meaning that I’ll be less involved in trades and waiver situations. You make the trade, you live with it. No vetos unless it’s obvious collusion. Also, when it comes to add/drops, I don’t care how many times you add or drop a player in a week. Humans are fickle and decisions are hard. I will be a fair commissioner. I will not use my authority to take advantage of stupid women. I will not take our entry fees and put it all on black. I will make sure that everyone has an entertaining team name that could be inappropriate if it wants to be. I will not set kittens on fire. I will not fart in church. OK that’s all about that. Let’s talk about fake football.

Deal with it, bro.

The playoffs are eminent. We have a pretty good idea on who’s going to make it and who’s not. Some teams have hit their stride at the right time and some are falling apart and peaked too early (aka the Duckhead slide). Next week, I’ll rank the playoff teams according to my personal power rankings, taking into account schedules of players, injuries, and other potpourri. As for my fantasy musings this week, I don’t really have any. Bryce Brown, maybe? Scrappy, what were you thinking? I would have thought for sure that you would have claimed him. Asleep at the screen? I got him on my second round of waiver claims AFTER Kaepernick. I guess that’s karma for getting lucky against Primetime last week. Other than that, I’m all tapped out. Frankly, this is becoming a pain in my ass to write. I wish some of you would volunteer to do one every once in a while. I’ll even put the clever .gifs in it for you. I know for a fact that Burning, Duckhead, and Smack could write a funny one. I’m just running out of material. My brain hurts. I also had front row seats at Raw on Monday and drank wayyyy too much beer.

Yep.

The Rundown:

Gynos – MVP: CK (20.9) LVP: Akers (2) – Been playing Fantasy for 3 years in 2 leagues and this is my first high score. Only 2 players not in double digits. Heating up at the right time. Like Betty White’s cooch.

Burning – MVP: Peyton (19.5) LVP: Forte (5.6) – Forte has been a disappointment lately, but a solid effort from everyone else. Thank Allah for power rankings, right?

Hunt – MVP: Stafford (28.3) LVP: Vermin Davis (0) – Vermin Davis is officially fantasy Russian Roulette except that there are 4 bullets in the gun instead of 1. Hey, Stafford!

Shiva – MVP: Dez (34.1) LVP: Packers DST (-2) – Dez Bryant is Two Face. You got hero attorney Dez this week. Next week could be burn victim angry Dez.

Buster – MVP: Julio (26.7) LVP: DHB, James Jones (0) – How do you have a winning record? Seriously, how?

Scrappy – MVP: AJ (16.2) LVP: Bryce Brown (32.9) – See above. Cost yourself a victory and potential playoff spot with that one.

4th – MVP: Romo (31.3) LVP: Starks (3.5) – Finally plays a person who breaks 100. Ryan Mathews has been exactly what I thought he’d be. I like being proven right.

Berserker – MVP: Shorts (20.5) LVP: Roddy (10.7) – Would’ve beaten me for high score if Rodgers would have shown up. Am I the only one that still doesn’t buy Cecil Shorts?

Prime – MVP: DMart (20.3) LVP: Miles (0) – Well, he set his lineup and won. That Cowboys RB situation reminds me of the Buffalo deal early in the season. Might hurt once DeMarco is back. I was right about him too.

Smack – MVP: Rice (24.4) LVP: Fitz (6.1) – Man, I was right about Fitz too. I. Am. A. Genius. Having a shitty team made Smack tap out on his Commish position. Can’t say I blame you.

Mudbugs – MVP: Brady (34.4) LVP: DeSean (2.1) – Peaked at the wrong time, bubba. No Gronk, no DeSean (which may be a blessing). Trending downward.

Duck – MVP: RGIII (33.3) LVP: Gibson (0) – Duckhead goes as RGIII goes. Nicks being healthy again will certainly hurt Cruz’ output.

How I felt about my team this week:

Finally…

This is probably my favorite late night tv bit in a while.

See you next week, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists

In honor of RAW this week…

Week 11 Wrap Up and Studs/Busts

You people need to chill the fuck out. Seriously. “BOO HOO, NO WRAP UP I THINK I’M GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!!!”. That’s you.  That’s what you sound like. I have shit to do sometimes. Like cut grass and masturbate. Did I say masturbate? I meant clean house. Sorry. Anyway, if you were wondering why there was no wrap up last week, there are two reasons. 1. I got a new job. 2. I needed a week off. This thing takes a long time to write, and to be honest, fantasy football was starting to grind my gears. It gave me time to think about important things, like where my life is going and if I want children. Just kidding, I played video games all week. I am feeling much better, in case you were concerned. What in the world would you do without my witty and intelligent interpretations of life things and people’s fake football teams? Probably settle for Smack’s little one paragraph sidebar on the website I’m sure. I’ve spoiled you. Having no wrap up is the biggest white person problem I’ve ever heard. If little Akeem from Nigeria heard you bitch about that he’d probably spontaneously combust. “Oh, you didn’t get your internet column? I haven’t had clean water or food in 3 days. Your life sounds hard!” But, I’m back. And you’re welcome.

Y’all be hatin’.

Bizarro fantasy week anyone? Chad Henne and Blackmon? Marcel Reece (who I started, thank you very much)? Kaepernick? Bears D totally bombing? INCONCEIVABLE! Which brings me to what I want to talk about this week? Why do we have defenses? I’ve always hated them, and for good reason. They’re unpredictable and are a dime a dozen, just like kickers, the only difference being is that a kicker is not a whole unit. I propose that we abolish them completely and replace with an additional non-QB flex. It would make the draft and waiver claims worth more, and would be easier to predict. And riddle me this, why the fuck is a sack worth the same as a fumble recovery and interception? Shouldn’t sacks be less since they happen much more often? Not only does it devalue turnovers, it makes defenses all the more useless. A QB INT is worth -2, but the DEF that gets the INT only gets 1? Where does that point go? To fucking Narnia? That’s some Mitt Romney math right there.

Stop it with the Defenses.

Studs/Busts of the 2012 Draft:

These picks take into account how well they’ve scored, as well as where they were taken. ADP = Average Draft Position; IMO = In My Opinion; WTF = What the Fuck?

Stud: Reggie Wayne – Top 5 reciever once again who was looked at as washed up before Burning took a chance on him. Best pick of the draft IMO.

Bust: Greg Jennings – aka Professor Peanut Brittle. To be honest, wasn’t doing that well even when he was playing.

Stud: Trent Richardson – went 3 rounds later than his ADP. Absolute steal.

Bust: Matt Stafford – Starting to come around a bit, but definitely has underperformed in relation to his ADP.

Stud: Demaryius Thomas – Taken after Decker, is also a top 5 WR this year. Got the Manning Bump.

Bust: Larry Fitzgerald – The Cardinals make me LOL so hard. Got 5 INT’s against the Falcons and still couldn’t win. No QB = no stats.

Stud: RGIII – Not a complete surprise here, but he completely saved Duckhead’s rapidly declining season.

Bust: Eli Manning – Has just been god awful. Just goes to show that QB’s are less valuable than RB’s and WR’s.

Stud: Gronk/Graham – the only two TE’s that justified their high draft picks. Gronk is out now though. Whoops…

Bust: Any Eagle not named McCoy – Fuck the Eagles and their Walrus head coach.

Stud: The Newsletter – You know you love it.

Bust: Your dependency on the Newsletter – You love it too much. It’s a luxury not a right.

Stud: Adrian Peterson – Dude is a fucking machine from the future. If you read any of the reports on his surgery and recovery you’d know what I’m talking about.

Bust: Jenny McCarthy – Seriously has a nice bust.

Sometimes, busts are good.

The Rundown:

Smack – MVP: V-Jax (23.4) LVP: Matty Ice (2) – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. That’s what you get for drafting that fucking dirty bird. And Larry Fitzgerald.

Gynos – MVP: Cobb (24.3) LVP: Foles (4.1) – Let me explain. I could have sworn that Weeden was gone when I looked for a fill in. Just missed him I guess. Anyway, Cobb gonna Cobb, every week.

Berserk – MVP: White (20.3) LVP: Torrey Smith (1.7) – Ol’ Torrey keeps proving me right. Bench him when the Ravens are on the road. Actually, just bench him period.

Buster – MVP: Ginger Cannon (26.5) LVP: Julio (5.3) – Defense couldn’t bail you out this week, eh? Only 2 players in double digits is not a recipe for success.

Shiva – MVP: Dez (32.5) LVP: Woodhead (0) – Got good Dez this week. Was Marshall making you piss yourself? You need to win out.

Mudbugs – MVP: Gronk (32.7) LVP: DeSean (2.5) – Blame Andy Reid. Just do it. He looks like a walrus.

Burning – MVP: Peyton (23.8) LVP: Titus (3.4) – Titus done fucked up and got benched. You have the worst reciever luck ever.

Duckhead – MVP: RGIII (36.4) LVP: Maclin – See Mudbugs on Maclin. The Duckhead Slide is in fifth gear. Lowest PA in the league and still losing.

Prime – MVP: Calvin (24.3) LVP: Gonzalez (6.3) – My thoughts on the Eli play: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scrappy – MVP: AJ (21.1) LVP: Gates (3.7) – Smack says that it might be your year. Maybe so. But you have to make the playoffs first. And as of today, you’re not in.

4th – MVP: Andre (47.3) LVP: Bowe (0) – Another day, another 4th opponent that doesn’t do anything. Avg. PA so far? 121.1. Smack’s is 144, Mudbugs’ is 137.7. Food for thought.

Hunt – MVP: LSH (21.3) LVP: Texans D (1) – Wow, you benched Vernon for Celek? You are carrying 4 TE’s on your roster. WTF? Also, Texans D is a great example of why I hate Defenses.

How I felt about my team this week:

Smack, you are a black guy in this GIF.

Someone get this guy on The Voice! Now before you write it off as fake, this dude has a whole YouTube channel and it’s legit. Enjoy the artistry.

See you next week, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists

Week 9 Wrap Up

Election day always brings out the best in Facebook land. How have we not all died in a nuclear fire yet? That’s what all my “friends” are predicting. Hey, did you know that America will not exist in 4 years? That’s right. Also, all the illegal immigrants will be havin’ abortions all over the place while talkin’ on their free cell phones given to them by Obama personally. Look, I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks of the results, but let’s be realistic here. I try not to be overly political on the interwebz, but there was just way too much silliness going on. I know you guys are all in the Romney camp probably, so let me tell you this. Everything’s going to be just fine. The world isn’t over. Take note of the world you live in and realize that by the luck of the gene pools we live in a world with clean water, food, and iPhones. If you’re an Obama guy, he’s not going to do anything much different than he has already, because he’s a President, not a dictator. Hey, I get it. He sucks. Like “Eagles O-Line” sucks. The bright side to all this: We get a whole new crop of assholes to choose from in 2016. Let’s all chill out and play some fantasy football!

The Dude agrees.

I know that Doug Martin should be the big story here, but I want to give some dap to Mudbugs for setting the league high score. After coming close last week, he fittingly crosses it against the reigning champ. Now before you get a big head there Mudbugs, remember that you have absolutely no influence on how many points your players score in a given week. You basically pulled the lever and hit a jackpot, but it’s cool nonetheless. Now, Doug Martin. Muscle Hamster. Baller. Gentleman. Did anybody really think that the Bucs would be a fantasy football powerhouse? Not me. And if you say you did, you are a liar and deserve to fall in a pile of old shit. Nobody is sexier in fantasy football right now than D-Mart. Move him while you can, Prime. Maybe you can trade him for 3 cheese sandwiches?

Mudbugs.

The Rundown:

Scrappy – MVP: Decker; LVP: Stevie – Bunch of good matchups for you equals loss for me. Lots of low ranked teams scoring points this week.

Gynos – MVP: AP; LVP: Nicks – Eli Manning is sucking mad balls right now, and Nicks is feeling it. Both Manning’s fucked me this time, actually. Screw you, Manning family!

Berserk – MVP: Galactus; LVP: JStew – Percy scored less, but that was due to injury. J-Stew is wasting a great opportunity here. AlMo bottled up pretty good too.

Shiva – MVP: Brees; LVP: Dez – Passing on Nelson for LVP due to injury. Man, is Dez Bryant a headache or what? An orgy of bad luck. Fantasy season is falling apart at the seams for Shiva.

Duck – MVP: Arian; LVP: RGIII – And it’s official. The Annual Duckhead Collapse is occurring. Defenses may be figuring out RGIII. Maybe Amendola can save you.

Bounty – MVP: Spiller; LVP: FJax – see Fitzgerald/Roberts. You play good defense though. Artificially high W/L record may help you. Breakdown may hurt you.

Prime – MVP: DMart; LVP: Eli – Let’t get this straight. DMart scored you 55 and you lost?! OMG.

Buster – MVP: CJ1K; LVP: Andre Brown – CJ might not be done just yet. Your best player is your Defense. PEANUT!

Burn – MVP: Forte; LVP: Titus – I know Leshoure scored 3 times. But he looked like shit doing it. Forte still the man on your squad.

4th – MVP: Andre; LVP: Rudolph – Bruh, when you gonna trade one of those RB’s for a TE? Rudolph won’t play well as long as Ponder licks a shitburger.

Smack – MVP: Rice; LVP: Finley – How’s it feel, huh? Why did you pick up Finley? I’m out of questions. For now.

Mudbugs – MVP: Everyone; LVP: Stop It – Good show, sir.

How I felt about my team this week:

Presidents. Those guys are a HOOT!

See you next week, Assdicks.

Gynos

Week 8 Wrap Up

I know this is a football column, but I want to talk about Sandy. Hurricane Sandy is a slutbag. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Kevin Costner was riding down Broadway right now on a pontoon boat drinking his own piss looking for high ground. Which begs the question: Why the FUCK didn’t Mayor Bloomberg put Tim Tebow on top of the Empire State Building and make him scream “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!” at Sandy? Isn’t it obligated to listen to him? It’s a no lose situation. He won’t drown because he walks on water, right? He’d be like Moses except with bigger muscles and less Jews in tow. All my peeps in NYC are saying that it’s a giant water park right now. I expect a telethon in which Eminem says that Barack Obama hates white people next to a stunned Tyler Perry. But I digress. On to football.

Seriously, Sandy.

OK, so the Saints D is bad. Like, historically bad. And it looks like a multi-year problem. With all the money tied up in the offense and bounties, I don’t see what they can do to fix it. However, I think that the Broncos are good. Really good. I know they lost to the Falcons (still pretenders) and Patriots (not pretenders), but they’re only getting better. I expect the Saints to get lit up again on Monday by Vick and crew, who are desperate. My solution: trade Ingram and Will Smith to free up cap room and get some picks back that they lost last year. Fantasy wise, I really don’t have much to say. I didn’t watch much of the games this weekend.

This has nothing to do with anything. I just like it.

The Rundown:

Mudbugs – MVP: Everyone (19,329) LVP: Nobody – PUNY SAINT LOUIS! GRONK SMASH! GRONK SMASH! THEN GRONK BANG PORN STAR AND DANCE TO LMFAO WITH NO SHIRT! GRONK!

GRONK WALK!

GRONK HUMP!

Gynos – MVP: Demaryius (26.7) LVP: Vikings D (-2) – Of course, the one week where I outscore everyone, I play the one team that scores higher. Tip: if you want to beat me, trade for Shonn Greene. I’ve lost to a team with him on their roster 3 times this season. He’s kryptonite. Shitty, shitty kryptonite.

Duck – MVP: Witten (34.7) LVP: Cruz (4.3) – I don’t think we can attribute that to the Duckhead Slide just yet. Just bad luck with the way the games went. Except that Bradshaw should have got you way more. Maybe Victor Cruz should slap him back for you.

4th – MVP: Rapistberger (24.4) LVP: Rudolph (3.7) – How does it feel to have no points scored against you all season? I bet pretty good. Better to be lucky than good I guess.

Hunt – MVP: Stafford (34.2) LVP: Vermin Davis (5.4) – Good news is that Stafford finally woke up. Bad news is Vernon Davis is sucking a hole in the universe. A big, black hole.

Berserker – MVP: Percy (22) LVP: AlMo (5.9) – Man, Hunters handed you that win on a platter. Question: Why did you not start The Daily Show after it had been reported that he was going to be the feature back in Carolina? That would have won it for you.

Shiva – MVP: Vick Ballard (14.1) LVP: Charles (7.4) – Are you furious at Romeo? I would be at his house right now beating him with a frozen Sea Bass. Not breaking 100 is always rough.

Prime – MVP: DMart (36.4) LVP: Eli (5.9) – Truth is, you had alot of LVP’s this week, but still managed to win. Muscle Hamster is a baller, though.

Scrappy – MVP: McCoy (21.7) LVP: Hartline (8.1) – Looking more and more like Hartline was a fluke. I know, AJ and Stevie were on byes. Still though. Don’t send out anymore e-mails about your players. So far it’s bitten you on two of them.

Burning – MVP: Manning (27.6) LVP: Gore (7.6) – Peyton went all Peyton against UL. They played UL right? It looked like UL. Reggie Wayne is getting 13 targets a game. That’s always nice.

Buster – MVP: Julio (24.2) LVP: Rivers (6.1) – Willis and Julio. I feel like that should be an 80′s WWF tag team for some reason. You mad at Rivers yet? He’s been playing uglier than a school bus fire victim.

Smack – MVP: Ryan (27.2) LVP: V-Jax (6) – Are you mad? I’d be mad. Not really much to say about that. Bad beat of the year so far. You deserved to lose though, looking at your scoreboard. Buster’s players just had better days all around.

How I felt about my team this week in GIF form:

Mudbugs. Stahp.

I love 90′s wrestling. I love E.T. They made sweet love and gave me this child. I want to hold him. I want to squeeze him.

See you next week, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists

Week 7 Wrap Up

OK, to be completely honest here I don’t know what the fuck to write about this week, other than Scrappy’s hilarious e-mail on Sunday, which I’ll get to later. Maybe I could talk about the Saints winning again. Or Jonathan Vilma coming back to inflict some bounties. I could cover Flacco and Rice sucking, Stafford and Mega sucking, Rodgers and Cobb becoming this year’s Eli and Cruz, CJ0K showing up, Donald Trump, Nutella, The Walking Dead, Hulk Hogan’s sex tape, the debates, the iPad Mini or new iMac (have you seen the new iMac? Holy shit!), or baseball. No, fuck all that stuff. Let’s talk jinxes.

Prepare your anus.

So, Scrappy sent out an e-mail declaring that A.J. Green is the new fantasy Jesus and demanded that we watch him destroy the Steelers. Eight yards and one catch later the game is over. The catch just so happened to be a TD, luckily for Scrappy. Not that he needed it though. Haven’t we all learned that declaring that a player will go off before he plays virtually guarantees that he will eat a shit sandwich? Lesson #1 – Don’t talk shit until after you win. I mean, do I have to teach you ignoramuses everything? Lesson #2 – No player is immune from eating said shit sandwich. Don’t assume that just because he’s A.J. Green, he’ll give you 25 every week. That’s just amateur right there. If you do decide to take a leap of faith and do what Scrappy and Primetime did, be prepared to get skewered in the newsletter when you get hit by the fail train. Duckhead seems to have learned. Is it any coincidence that his team is so good when he’s gone dark as a shit talker essentially all season? He would be wise to continue this, lest he risks RGIII tearing an ACL.

Layeth the smacketh down!

The Rundown:

Shiva – MVP: Brees (33.1) LVP: Dez (3.4) – Dez is a shit head. Get used to it. Hard to tell who came out worse on that deal. They’ll both bounce back. But Dez will always be a shit head. And a mother beater.

Smack – MVP: V-Jax (34.6) LVP: Fitz (6.9) – Keep starting two Arizona receivers and you’re going to get nothing from one and alot from the other. Every week. Unless they get shut down or their QB decides to suck. Looks risky to me. Luckily you had a sweet matchup against the Saints getting double points for touchdowns.

Mudbugs – MVP: Gronk (25.8) LVP: Law Firm (6.9) – BJGE is slowly getting worse and worse. You ready to rely on Shonn Greene? I wouldn’t. Even though I’m pretty sure that Gronk is an out-and-out retard, he can catch TD’s.

Burning – MVP: Gore (23.2) LVP: J Graham (0) – I know that Graham is hurt, along with Jennings and Garcon. Can’t say I feel sorry for you anymore. I’m reaping the benefits of Randall Cobb.

Hunt – MVP: F-Jax (26) LVP: Vernon (0) – Welcome to the world of Vernon Davis. Biggest enigma in fantasy. Stafford keeps looking like shit too. Looks like you won the Dez-Bills trade, though hindsight is 20/20. We’ll see what happens when they face a good defense.

Prime – MVP: Douglas (21.2) LVP: Megatron (6.4) – Megatron is finally feeling the effects of shitty Stafford. Peanut Tillman (UL) shut him down. Can we agree that any fantasy player that plays the Saints is a must start? Yes. Yes we can.

Duckhead – MVP: Cruz (26.1) LVP: Crabtree (7.1) – Victor saved his day with that last minute bomb, but you were clear for a win anyway. RGIII is saving your season singlehandedly. Send him a nice new pair of Superman socks.

Berserker – MVP: Rodgers (28.6) LVP: Torrey (8.1) – Torrey Smith continues to disappoint. Flacco’s favorite receiver is the turf. He’s shitty more often than not. Be sure to thank Rodgers for me.

Scrappy – MVP: Stevie (18.1) LVP: AJ Green (7.8) – Don’t want to beat a dead horse here… [gets stick, kills horse, beats horse]

4th – MVP: Andre (17.6) LVP: B. Lloyd (1.6) – The good news; Andre finally showed up.  The bad news; nobody else did. That was brutal. You worried about McFadden yet?

Buster – MVP: CJ0K (32.8) LVP: Dalton (7.2) – You’d think that a player who’s last name is the first name of Patrick Swayze’s character from Roadhouse would be a total badass. Guess not. Hey CJ showed up!

Gynos – MVP: R. Cobb (30.8) LVP: Ridley (6.5) – Boy, Ridley sure flopped in a great matchup. I expect him to rebound. I never thought I’d say this but I’ll be glad to get Vick back.

How I felt about my team this week:

The only thing better than new suits!

I love game shows. Do you love game shows? You should. People are stupid. Especially on game shows.

Later Assdicks,

Amateur Gynecologists

Sure Do!

Week 6 Wrap Up

How’s your mom?

OK I’m doing this on my lunch break so I have to come up with some of this on the cuff. Please forgive any terrible jokes or lame puns, as I am probably better at this than you. Just be glad that I continue to do this every week, despite getting absolutely no recognition at all for it. Why do I keep doing it, you ask? Good fucking question! I would love to know as well. Most people get paid for literary gold such as this. You’re welcome.

Wanna hear a funny story. A guy in my other fantasy league benched Aaron Rodgers for Alex Smith after I warned him not to. Then, Rodgers eats the universe (to hereby be known as Galactus; look it up) while Smith goes all Jordan Jefferson. He loses by 30. The previous week, he scored 210, then proceded to tell everyone how awesome he is. Is this sufficient evidence that Karma does exist? I think that it might be. For the people that did start Galactus or Jordy, it paid off in a huge way (but not quite enough for Shiva). It sure is exciting for Jordy owners to finally get something out of him.

Honey Boo Boo owns Galactus and Jordy in her PPR league.

Here’s the Rundown of week 6:

Berserker – MVP: Galactus (45.2) LVP: Bush (11.1) – You excited, brah? You be lookin’ strong, playa. How’s it feel to have no injuries all season?

Scrappy – MVP: AJ Green (32.5) LVP: Hartline (0.0) – Every week that goes by, Hartline looks more and more like a fluke. And Y U No play Gates?

4th – MVP: Rudolph (19.6) LVP: Bowe (5.1) – Defense bailed you out against Rivers, the football version of Andrew Jones. Mathews being pulled on all passing downs should concern you, along with NDAA and Monsanto.

Mudbugs – MVP: Brady (21.8) LVP: Lynch (6.2) – I bet you’re ready to lynch Lynch after that one. I told you there would be bad puns. Deal with it.

Prime – MVP: Megatron (19.5) LVP: Austin (5.1) – I’m going to overlook that Dwyer start, despite the fact that he was declared inactive before the game. Bad luck feels like shit, right?

Duckhead – MVP: RGIII (36) LVP: Crabtree (5.6) – While watching the Skins game, I’ve decided that I don’t like RGIII. He gives me a Floyd Mayweather vibe. Looks like that Duckhead collapse may not happen after all… (Sorry I missed your call btw. Was away from my phone all day Saturday. Would’ve definitely gone with.)

Gynos – MVP: Dez (34.5) LVP: Akers (-.5) – So I’m watching the Walking Dead on Sunday night, thinking that I’ve got an easy win. Then, Jordy happens and I’m suddenly down. If not for Thomas’ TD, I would have lost. Dez Bryant may have saved my season. Yes, you read that right.

Shiva – MVP: Jordy (39.1) LVP: Turner (4.9) – The Brees bye got you. Thank you, NFL schedule makers!

Burning – MVP: Manning (25.3) LVP: Garcon (0) – Man, injuries are fucking your season. Forte, Jennings, Garcon, Graham. I feel you man [holds fist in air].

Buster – MVP: Dalton (23.7) LVP: Julio (10.3) – Julio needs to get the fuck away from the schoolyard and start getting open. CJ showed up though! So there’s that…

Hunt – MVP: Welker (29.8) LVP: M. Bennett (1.9) – Have to say that I called the Bennett Bomb earlier this week. I thought that he’d be used as a blocker for most of the game. And, you’re welcome for the RB’s…

Smack – MVP: Rice (23.6) LVP: Ryan (10.4) – It’s a little concerning that Matty Ice (gayest name in all of sports, period) couldn’t abuse that Raiders D. Come on, Commish…

How I felt about my team this week:

Good show, lads.

If you’re not watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you are a bad, bad person.

See you next week, Assdicks.

Amateur Gynecologists

Week 5 Wrap Up

The Saints won a fucking game!!! Oh man, I thought it wouldn’t happen, but gay football Santa Claus gave us a gift. And props to Collinsworth for calling that last sack. Funny how he noticed it and Norv had no idea. Norv pretty much handed that win to Drew. Speaking of Drew, breaking the record was cool and all, but the win was way more satisfying to me. I still feel good for Drew and his birthmark though. And Sean Payton (aka old Kenny Chesney). Anyone notice how Goodell didn’t congratulate Drew on the record? I sure did. Fuck him in his satan-y anus. I bet if Brady or Eli broke it he’d catch the first flight to give them a blow job and maybe a reach-around. He makes me want to choke a baby. But not your baby. However, we can feel good going into the bye, and until the D gives up 80,000 points over the three weeks following that, we’ve still got a chance. A small chance. Like, making it out of Germany as a Jew in the ’40′s chance, but I’ll take it! I feel like dancing!

Vinny Mac knows how to get down!

On to league business, another week of low scores. I blame injuries and general fuckery for the most part. Although, everyone broke 100 (with 4th getting lucky due to a Rapistberger stat correction this afternoon). I’ve still yet to figure out who the best team is. I know that Duckhead is 4-1, but his ace in the hole went down for the next 7 weeks. 4th, who the commish rated as the best team, hasn’t shown up the past two weeks. Burning is solid, but not incredible. Same for Prime. I can’t shake injuries. It’s a mess. I feel like whoever is strongest in the last 4 weeks will have the distinct advantage. Obvious, I know. But I expect everyone to be jumbled up in the Power Rankings until then. Everybody has glaring weaknesses. It’s more of a train wreck than a Kardashian vagina (BOOM!).

Look, baby farts! LOLOLOLOL!!

The Rundown:

Gynos (133.2) – MVP: D. Thomas (26.8) LVP: F. Jackson (4.4) – Woohoo!!! I got a win! And I’m finally getting healthy! And Mendenhall! Now I just need Nicks and Britt (Britt will play, Nicks probably) and I’ll be good to go. Watch out!

Hunters (115.6) – MVP: Welker (29.4) LVP: MJD (6.9) – I know Wallace scored less, but MJD should be giving you at least 12 every week. If I were to bet you $100 that Daniel Thomas would outscore MJD, how fast would you have taken it? Surprisingly good showing considering your RB situation. Thank you for getting me back on the winning track.

Buster (138) – MVP: James Jones (25.5) LVP: Take a guess… (2.9) – Julio made up for flopping last week, CJ made up for playing well last week. How long are you going to keep running him out there? I feel for you man. Brutal. At least he didn’t cost you a win. Again.

4th (100.1) – MVP: R. Mathews (25.9) LVP: Andre (2.5) – Broke 100 thanks to a stat correction earlier today. At least be happy that Mathews is back and not fumbling. Losing Cassel hurts Bowe too. Bad luck comes in bunches, huh? That’s OK, there’s still time for you to offer me a Peterson for Bilal Powell trade…

Mudbugs (131.7) – MVP: Marshall (32.4) LVP: Law Firm (2.6) – If you make the playoffs, you owe Brandon Marshall an 8-ball (of drugs). Just continues quietly winning…

Scrappy (121.3) – MVP: AJ Green (21.5) LVP: Cam (8.8) – Admit it, you’ve considered giving up on Cam. He’s been pure dog poop this season. Luck is looking pretty good, how much rope do you give Cam (in a slack way, not a racist way)?

Berserker (143.9) – MVP: Harvin (31.6) LVP: Torrey Smith (6.8) – Part of Smith sucking was due to Flacco sucking, but I predicted this early this season. Every week will be a close one for you. Like, incest close.

Prime (133) – MVP: Colston (40.1) LVP: Ummm… – Scoring 133 between 5 players and a DST is actually pretty impressive, in the sense that you started anyone that stepped on the field and still almost won. Think what you would’ve scored if you didn’t have so many on a bye…

Burning (152) – MVP: Wayne (40.2) LVP: Graham (1.4) – Looks like reports of Wayne’s demise were premature. When Wayne gets injured, you have my permission to die (see what I did there! Wayne, like, Bruce Wayne… and Bane… from Batman…).

Shiva (116.1) – MVP: Brees (32.8) LVP: Crosby (-1) – I never noticed but you’re really hurting at reciever! Good luck beating me this week without Brees. Wait, I don’t wanna jinx myself… I hope you have a good showing and that Kevin Kolb is a suitable replacement for Brees. There, I feel better.

Duckhead (150.5) – MVP: Bradshaw (31.9) LVP: RGIII (4.3) – How do you keep winning? It’s a snake fartin’ miracle! Bradshaw and Crabtree going off? You, sir, are a puzzle.

Smack (107.3) – MVP: Ryan (21.2) LVP: Sproles (8.7) – Man, Sproles has been a colossal disappointment, right? Good news for you is, Hernandez should play this week. Bad news is, Greg Little is on your team. He’s like the black spot from Treasure Island. Once you have him, you will die!

How I felt about my team this week:

Takin’ care of fools!

Anybody hungry? Let’s take a bus trip to this place.

See you next week, Assdicks!

Amateur Gynecologists

Week 4 Wrap-Up

Man, I’m so glad that the real refs are back! There will never be any bad calls ever again! Wait, what’s that Green Bay fans? There were bad calls? And you fucking won? Wow! That’s amazeballs! Sunday was a reality check for any and all overzealous Saints fans. They got all the good calls and still blew the game. That defense is epic bad. Hella bad, even. I don’t blame Spags though. He just doesn’t have the personnel to run his scheme. Maybe if there wa$ $ome $ort of way to motivate them…

Fantasy owners who play against the Saints D.

So, as I’m watching a movie on Sunday night, I receive this exchange from Duckhead…

Eww gay…

Was I being hit on? If so, you sir need to work on your subtlety. If you need to come out of the closet, we are a very accepting culture now. A black dude is President! I mean, Duckhead is really close to Dickhead… Could that be a coincidence or was it done purposefully? And I’m not gay. So, uh, no thanks. I hope everyone realizes that fantasy football trash talk is the silliest and most pointless thing on the planet next to a Kardashian, right? You have no influence on the actual outcome at all. It’s like talking shit on whether or not it’s going to rain. “Dude, my team just beat your team.” As if they’re doing it just for you. Those guys have no idea at all that we even exist. They have no fucks to give. They have no idea that Smack is a physical therapist, Buster likes to hunt, or that Duckhead is secretly gay. Ya’ll keep working on your “smack talk”. I’m gonna go study politics and read books and shit.

Hooray learning!!!

The Rundown (abbreviated): To be honest, I just don’t feel like doing it this week, so everyone gets a sentence or two.

Gynos – I have more than twice as many total fumbles (8) as total TD’s (3) over the last two weeks. Think about that for a second. That’s where I’m at. Only 3 TD’s in two weeks. My team is a fucking M.A.S.H. unit.

Duckhead – You’re welcome. My loss in Nicks was your gain with Cruz.

Mudbugs – Damn, son. You hit the jackpot.

Buster – Solid game, bad luck on your opponent. CJ finally showed up. Hasselbeck the secret ingredient?

Shiva – Check your e-mail, son. I sent you a trade like two days ago.

Scrappy – Your bench scored five points less than Burning’s starting lineup. Sell Hartline high, bro.

4th – ROMOCALYPSE!!! Don’t pull your hair out over it. It only cost you a win. Also, Ryan Matthews. Norv is screwing you.

Prime – Another solid outing. Doug Martin might be an issue moving forward though. He looked like shit this week.

Burning – The only other team with the injury bug. I feel for you, bro.

Bounty – Who are you starting at RB this week?

Smack – Pitta with the golden sombrero. At least you still won.

Berserker (?) – Looks like that new name didn’t change your luck.

How I felt about my team this week:

Get the fuck out of the ambulance!

Hey dudez, there’s a debate tonight! Now, I’m not going to suggest to you who to vote for, or if to vote at all. But I will say this, watch it. Even though we’re forced to pick between a giant douche and a turd sandwich for the most powerful office on the planet, it’s way more important than any of this fantasy football trivial bullshit. It’s sure to be a must watch filled with lies, propaganda, forced smiles and passive aggressive classy insults. There will be more honesty on Monday Night Raw next week than there will be tonight, but watch anyway. Here’s a good prepper for tonight’s action:

Good luck to all next week, chickenfuckers.

Gynos